One-Star Revue: THE ENGLISH PATIENT

All real 1-star Amazon customer reviews. No spoilers.
I would give this book: four stars.

• "It was a cold and godless kind of story from beginning to end."
• "This book is like a mix between David Lynch's "Mulholland Drive," Jhonen Vasquez's "Happy Noodle Boy" strips, and "Crossroads" (with Britney Spears!)." (Ed. note: What?)
• " I couldn't identify with any of the characters (thank God)."
• "I too can conjure up beautiful cliches." (Ed. note: Good for you!!!)
• "Elmore Leonard says that he leaves out the parts which the reader skips over. If Ondaatje had done that here, he could have ended up with quite a tantalising short story."
  
• "It's quite obvious from the tone of the book that the only character this author cares about is himself! Soooo tedious that every time I sat down to read, I found myself thinking about watering my tomato plants, which would have been a LOT more interesting. I could write more, but that would just give this book free advertising, which is something I DEFINITELY DON'T want to do." 
• "This book does not pose any questions I care to have answered. Period"