Filmbook: Spring-Summer 2012, Read It Before You See It

This seemed like a great idea before I actually started writing it. I feel freshly motivated to... read a lot this summer and not go to the movies.

May 18: "What To Expect When You're Expecting" That's right, they adapted a self-help book (which I hear isn't bad? For those in need I mean) for one of those mega-cast comedies. It's too bad a lot of people I normally want to see onscreen got dragged into this mess (Anna Kendrick, Elizabeth Banks, Rodrigo Santoro, Wendi McLendon-Covey from "Bridesmaids")... I was in denial that this was a real movie even up to the point that the posters were going up.

June 1: "Snow White and the Huntsman." If you're thinking: "Didn't we just have a big-screen re-adaptation of the fairy tale of Snow White?" Yes, we did, with Julia Roberts, and it didn't do so well. But this is the Kristen Stewart one. That's necessary. Charlize Theron costars as the evil queen, Chris "Thor" Hemsworth as the Huntsman.

June 8: "Bel-Ami." All my Guy de Maupassant fans in the house, put your hands in the air! And then hurridly put them down in case someone sees you expressing a little enthusiasm for something Robert Pattinson is involved in. I'll give this a shot; period dramas are appropriate for certain hot summer afternoons.

June 15: "The Woman in the Fifth." Before I became temporarily obsessed with THE MOMENT, Douglas Kennedy published a Paris-set murder mystery I heard good things about called THE WOMAN IN THE FIFTH. Ethan Hawke is the detective; Kristen Scott Thomas (MVP) is the suspect. Yeah, all right.

June 22: "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter." It delights me to no end that something this oddball (by Seth Grahame-Smith, responsible for PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES) is actually making it to theatres, with no stars, and no buzz. I'm there opening night.

July 6: "Savages." I didn't enjoy the Don Winslow book this Oliver Stone thriller is based on about "good" drug dealers (white kids with biology experience) versus "bad" drug dealers (Mexican, violent), although I hear it's one of his weaker novels. But something inside me wants to give this movie a chance... maybe it's Benicio Del Toro as one of the baddies.

July 13: "Trishna." This isn't a straight adaptation of TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES, but by re-setting the book in contemporary India, Michael Winterbottom may bring people in to what will undoubtedly be a very depressing experience. Also, Freida Pinto of "Slumdog Millionaire" fame as Trishna!

August 31: "Lawless" O come all ye Western fans, ye sore of brains from having to endure the 18th Bourne movie and any number of reboots: Here's Matt Bondurant's novel, THE WETTEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, about bootleggers during Prohibition. Add Nick Cave as a screenwriter. Sprinkle in some other supporting younger actors, a little Jessica Chastain here, some Shia LaBeouf. Top with Guy Pearce vs Tom Hardy and bake for 3 hours. It's only too bad that the finished movie goes to Cannes in a few days, but the rest of the adults have to wait.

Watch your favorite books

In the 15 minutes I wasn't paying attention to them, book trailers became so big that they got their own award show -- albeit one described by its MC as "meant to be a spoof." The 2010 Moby Awards, handed out by Melville House Publishing, handed out such accolades as Best Performance By An Author -- it was this guy! -- Trailer Least Likely To Sell The Book and Bloodiest Book Trailer. Zach Galifianakis took home a Moby for Best Cameo for his performance in a video about John Wray's excellent LOWBOY, but Jonathan Safran Foer probably didn't pick up his statuette for Most Annoying Performance By An Author for this video tied to EATING ANIMALS. (Okay, I haven't watched that one yet. We all need our illusions.)

The most memorable book trailers I've seen recently were the Brad Meltzer "All my negative reviews at once" one and ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER. (Naturally, neither of these were on TV, although occasionally you'll see a TV ad for a book and it's usually a deeply weird experience.) Have you seen one recently you'd like to call out?

Singing Dancing Authors

The Daily Beast: The more I read about Elif Batuman's THE POSSESSED, the more I think this book of essays about Russian literature will be right up my alley. Here she offers a list of "alternative Russian classics."

Financial Times: UVa gave some of its new grad students a Kindle DX at the beginning of the year to see whether it would be feasible to go electronic with virtually all its course material. Not surprisingly, the answer is "maybe."

One Minute Book Reviews: Today book blogger extraordinaire Janice Harayda announces the winner of her Delete Key Award for the worst passage she's read in the past year. And since she reviews a book a day, I'm inclined to trust her! Finalists include a disturbing number of my recent reads, like PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES, IT SUCKED AND THEN I CRIED and THE LOST SYMBOL (personally, the only one of those I wanted to send sailing across the room, but your mileage may vary).

New York Times: An adaptation of John Grisham's book A TIME TO KILL will take the stage in Washington D.C. next year, the first of his books to do so. It gives me scant hope that the company putting it on commissioned Rupert Holmes to write the script, the writer and composer of "Drood" but also "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)."

The Canadian Press: Margaret Atwood recently shot a cameo for a forthcoming Canadian movie called "Score: A Hockey Musical," in which she plays herself. I don't know what's better, that there is going to be a hockey musical (I picture it like the "Single Ladies"-driven episode of "Glee," except on ice) or that Atwood is considered famous enough to play herself in it. Biggest author coup since Salman Rushdie popped up in "Bridget Jones' Diary"?

Graphic for no reason: LOLerature.

Jane Austen and zombies: 'tis as good as a lord.

At length quite exhausted by the attempt to be amused with her own book, which [Miss Bingley] had only chosen because it was the second volume of his, she gave a great yawn and said, "How pleasant it is to spend an evening in this way! I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading!"
"Spoken like one who has never known the ecstasy of holding a still-beating heart in his hand," said Darcy.

Two years ago around Halloween, I attended a production of "Twelfth Night of the Living Dead," a combination of Shakespeare's classic comedy and the George Romero movie often credited with bringing the idea of zombies into mainstream popular culture. Instead of joining Illyrian society, Viola and Sebastian infect it, and no one looks awry at them for not being able to walk upright or stop drooling. By the time suspicions are raised, enough of the courts of the Duke Orsino and the Lady Olivia have been bitten that the rest of the play is washed out in groans, and an epic amount of stage blood.

I didn't peek ahead in Seth Grahame-Smith's PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES to see if the last 10 pages were composed of "Graaaaaaaaahhhhh. Braaaaaaaaaains." But by definition a zombie novel has to draw out its readers' attention for longer than a 90-minute play, and for me P&P&Z did that. If this were a simple copy-and-paste job, it wouldn't still be flying off the shelves (as of last week, #9 on the NYT paperback bestseller list).

The notion of a family attempting to go about its business while England is besieged by hordes of the "sorry stricken," a figure that is so delightfully period appropriate I kept racking my brains (braaaaaaains) to see if I had heard it before, is fully integrated into Austen's original text. For example, Grahame-Smith doesn't leave his Bennet sisters alone and defenseless; they are all Shaolin masters who have trained rigorously and painfully and can fend for themselves against zombies. So right there, you aren't dealing with just zombies, but zombies and ninjas. (Other characters in turn get added dimensions, and might I say, never have I liked Lady Catherine de Bourgh so much as in this book.)

At the same time, he makes some alterations to the plot which will only be funny to people who have read P&P before -- if there are people out there who would pick up P&P&Z without having read P&P. (Not recommended.) The back half of the book is flavored with the salt of comeuppance, which Austen would have used sparingly if at all, to some piquant results.

I'm sure I would have gotten more of the jokes had I read P&P more recently than about five years ago. (Do I have to turn in my lady badge for that?) On the other hand, I was happy enough to be reunited with these characters, albeit in such an unorthodox way. I realized, for example, that I had no idea why Wickham and the other military officers were stationed in the country when they met the Bennets; having them there to train against a zombie invasion almost made more sense, if that makes any sense. Interestingly, the author of the next book in the series, SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SEA MONSTERS, wrote in Slate that his version will be about 60 percent Austen as compared to 85 percent for P&P&Z -- so if you felt it wasn't original enough, you might be less bored. (Hat tip to the Hawaiian office for that.)

In giving its heroines (particularly Jane and Elizabeth) the warrior talent, P&P&Z provides them with both an obstacle as far as their marriageworthiness and an opportunity to do more than sit at home and write letters. There's a great jab where Elizabeth is looking at Mr. Collins and feeling ill because he's barely accustomed to slicing Gorgonzola, much less dead rotting flesh. As you might expect, she meets her match in a Darcy who at no point jumps in a lake with his shirt on.

"Instead of being saved from bad weather and a sprained ankle, this time it's from a giant octopus."

Via a Facebook friend: Quirk Books, publishers of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES, will crash the release date for the new Dan Brown book with its latest mash-up, SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SEA MONSTERS, about "Elinor and Marianne Dashwood contending with giant lobsters, rampaging octopi, two-headed serpents and other ferocious sea monsters as they set out on their quest for love."

S&S&S will be co-written by Ben H. Winters, P&P&Z author Seth Grahame-Smith being occupied with the fictional biography ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER. I did not make that title up.

To follow up on the last list, here are yet five more classic novels that could be improved by adding zombies:

TOBACCO ROAD -- These sharecroppers are already ugly caricatures of Southern life; at least introducing a family of zombie sharecroppers would give you someone to root for.

THE TIN DRUM -- This year already saw the screen debut of zombie Nazis, so it's really a short hop to zombie Nazi-era self-inflicted dwarfs.

CATCHER IN THE RYE -- What were those children running from, anyway? Holden Caulfield was right when he said the people around him were phonies, but he should have been more specific as a survivor of the Zombie Wars of New York City. (Tomorrow on Wormbook: I am raided by the Salinger estate!)

PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT -- Because shiksas have been taking it on the chin for too long.

MADAME BOVARY -- Emma knows he's a zombie, but she's still in love with him, and his fragrant bite makes her thirst for something better than her bourgeois home. It's like TWILIGHT for married people.

Five More Classic Books That Could Be Improved With Zombies

Seth Grahame-Smith's PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES has sold like gangbusters, so it's time to mine this zombie vein as long as it holds out. A little punch-up and high school students need no longer fear their nightly reading assignments.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES -- Sure, it's supposed to be about the French Revolution, but the First Zombie Revolution has such a good ring to it! Peasants want representation in the government; zombies want to eat the other estates' delicious, cake-fattened brains.

OF MICE AND MEN -- It all makes sense now! Why would Lennie have to be contained? What made him different from everybody else? Clearly John Steinbeck's past as a zombie hunter in pre-Depression California has yet to be explored in depth.

BEOWULF -- Note to self: Rent 2007 Robert Zemeckis adaptation to find out if zombies have already been added. Unable to discern from online screenshots.

THE SCARLET LETTER -- It's a little creepy how the tiny Puritan town moves in such lockstep with its leaders. It's like none of them remember what it's like to be human and fallible. Maybe they don't...

JANE EYRE -- Would she still fall in love with Mr. Rochester if he was (spoiler) a zombie instead of blind? Wait, yes she would. Boring. But girls will go for it.